Some of What I Know

Content note: Contains references to childhood sexual assault and incest.

I know I was sexually assaulted by a family member as a child.

I know that after the assault I went to an adult I trusted for help.

I know I received no help or intervention.

I know that as a child I needed to believe I was loved.

I know being abandoned in the aftermath of trauma can cause more harm than the trauma itself.

I know families like mine pass down effective systems for silencing and denying abuse.

I know how insane this can make a victim feel.

I know that I survived, and I am sane.

I know to believe my body and listen to my symptoms.

I know that what other people failed to do is not about me, my worth, or my belonging.

I know how hard it is to live without justice or accountability.

I know how lonely and scary it can feel to choose yourself.

I know the shame of abuse is for the abusers to carry.

I know the life that is lost when shame buries the truth.

I know the insides of grief and rage.

I know that I orient towards truth, and this is not true for everyone.

I know the hard work it takes to wade out of denial.

I know our bodies bring us back to reality if we let them.

I know how to hold the traumatized child inside me without needing her to be any less traumatized.

I know that pleasure can be a trigger.

I know how to say I’m sorry and thank you.

I know how to be accountable for harm I cause, and I know how to show up in repair.

I know fawning kept me safer as a child, and boundaries keep me safer as an adult.

I know setting boundaries can be terrifying.

I know I am not alone, even when I’m brutally alone.

I know I am loved.

I know how to dance like it is prayer.

I know how to make beauty, and I know how to revel in it.

I know how it feels when love cracks my heart wide open, and I know the profound grief that accompanies it.

I know what it is to grieve an entire life.

I know how to celebrate that same life.

I know it was the offerings of strangers—their music, art, writing, wisdom and teachings—that held me when I had no one else and helped return me to life.  

I know how to pray to Goddess and listen to spirit and ancestors.

I know I am alive and how miraculous my life is.

I know that my healing is unending and what I know will continue to change.

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